Bush did it!

After well over three years of lying, prevaricating, misleading, and confusing the American people, after killing, maiming and destroying the livelihoods of tens of thousands of Iraqis and Americans at a healthy 20-to-1 ratio, and after the unprecedented destruction of Iraq’s infrastructure, let the record show, on December 14, 2005, Dubya said "I am responsible!"

And as a loyal and patriotic American, let me be the first to say, it wasn’t his fault. And even if it was his fault, he’s already said he’s glad he did it, and he’s going to keep doing it until he is good and ready to stop doing it!

Truth be told, that darn intelligence community fed him the wrong headlines! A good and decent President only reads headlines, and he should only have to read the simple ones that please him and make him smile. Why couldn’t the CIA get it right?

Our shining President reminds us that no matter what was said and done, it was always, only and ever about forcing a fresh friendly democracy on Baghdad. And look! Nice elections are happening there! Everyone is giving us the purple finger in honor of that towering moral force for all things bright and beautiful, an American President who only wants the very best democracy and the very finest freedom for the people of Iraq under the tree this year!

And just look at what our President has achieved in Iraq. A nice big constitution, completed in record time! We and our Iraqi puppets burned the midnight oil, so to speak, to write this tome, this giant redwood of constitutions! Just think—it took Americans 230 years to get the Patriot Act and embrace the intense protofascist degree of government interference in our daily lives and permanent federal abrogation of the Bill of Rights. Iraq is already there, with roving military forces, curfews, and instant justice conveniently provided in both 120 mm and 5.56 mm varieties. Only the bipolar in this country can count on that kind of freedom and democracy, so far.

Speaking of the Bill of Rights, the one we wrote for the Iraqis is way longer than the quaint little one we use here in Amerika. Iraqis now have lots of great rights we can only dream of in Duluth or Des Moines.

Sure, we left out the right to bear arms, but armed citizens protecting their property and lives is so old-school, don’t you think? Not to mention a drag on the free exercise of government power! Anyway, what do Iraqis need guns for? We have given them an Ethnicities-R-Us "provincial proportional representation" system – what’s not to like about that?

Now, some of you unpatriotic whiners out there are bound and determined to focus on all the wrong things. You are missing the big picture, people! Like Secretary of State Rice said just this week on the Sean Hannity show, "This President envisions a different future, and we [me and him and Cheney and our neoconservative enablers] are making that future happen."

In fact, Madame Secretary Rischovsky was on the Sean "Pravda" Hannity program to discuss the most recent expansion of the American executive branch – a politically strengthened bureaucracy at State "with a mission to anticipate [non-U.S.] state failures and prevent conflict." Rice told the adoring, loyal and patriotic Hannity audience that "next time" we do "this," we will do a far better job than we did in Iraq. Our central planning and our five-year plans will be more robust, more realistic, more wonderful in every way!

What is "this" exactly, you ask? "This" would be, of course, creating a fake intelligence storyline, in order to build popular and congressional support, in order to invade a small weak country, in order to kill tens of thousands of human beings without legal, moral or defensive justification, in order to establish new military bases and long-term natural resource extraction contracts, in order to enrich our corporate friends and closest allies.

Next time we do this?

Look, you libertarians, you anarcho-capitalists, you constitutionalists, you left-wingers and other domestic terrorists and dead-enders, those of you who criticize the American government for its unbridled interventionism on behalf of universal values. Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once! Get with the program!

We are going to do this again and again and again.

We are going to do this over and over and over.

We are going to keep doing it until the Chinese stop paying, or Vermont secedes.

And that’s final!

December 16, 2005

Karen Kwiatkowski, Ph.D. [send her mail], a retired USAF lieutenant colonel who spent her final four and a half years in uniform working at the Pentagon's Near East/South Asia bureau. She lives with her freedom-loving family in the Shenandoah Valley, and among other things, has written on defense issues with a libertarian perspective for militaryweek.com, hosts the call-in radio show American Forum on Saturday nights, and blogs occasionally for Huffingtonpost.com. To receive automatic announcements of new articles and upcoming guests on her American Forum radio program, click here.

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